Unbreakable Faith


Everybody points to Jesus. The bible is the most banned book in the world and every 5 minutes around the world a Christian is killed for his faith.  

139 abortions per minute take place in the world. More than 200 million animals are killed for food around the world every day. We have turned the planet into a giant slaughterhouse.

I am a sucker for science, history, philosophy, facts, laws. One of the reasons as well I never had a single doubt in my faith. Scientists, archaeologists, and historians all agree that the bible is the most accurate historical book that has ever been written. It is not a book that is based upon mythological figures, or fairytales.

There is textual evidence that is proof. The bible and science are not enemies, they blend perfectly. Isaac Newton (credited with discovering the Law of Gravity, the three laws of universial motion, and his refinement of calculus into a comprehensive branch of mathematics believed the bible to authenticate itself better than any other historical record ever written.

Newton was considered to be vegetarian, a fervent animal lover and credited with the invention of cat doors - the special doors or flaps that allow cats to enter and leave a house (Ryder, 1998, p. 15). Plato (considered the first true philosopher) was a friend of Newton, also did not eat meat. Neither did Socrates (founding father of Western philosophy), Einstein (brilliant physicist), 

Tesla (father of the modern electricity), Hippocrates (father of medicine, the Hippocratic Oath is an oath of ethics historically taken by physicians till this very day), Pythagoras (Pythagoras'( mathematical) law), Da Vinci (Renaissance genius)and Tolstoy (giant of Russian literature). 

 The suffering and death of animals did not come with God's good original creation, but only later as a consequence of human sin. There are no slaughterhouses in the Heavens but in hell. Everything is energy as Tesla knew so well. So why consume and feed death and torture, putting this energy into your body that is a temple. You become what you eat as science says. 
The Garden of Eden is still on this planet,
the earth is the garden of Eden (Genesis 2:10-14!). But by using our free will to turn this planet into one big slaughterhouse, does not invite God to come back and live with us again. So we have the holy spirit, a communication line. And the spirit likes to enter a clean house, a clean temple (body), not a tomb. Think about that.

Mourning the loss of my little child and father, died one month after each other, both in struggle. 2021 

19-02-2021 It's just the two of us now

My Bestie

John 14-16 Jesus promised to send the Holy Spirit to be with us permanently as our Helper (assistent, comforter, standby). 

From Jacob's ladder we know angels descend up and down earth. That they listen to God. That you do not pray to angels and they surely won't listen either. If you pray to an angel and you get a reply, congratulations, you just summoned a demon. Angels are in service of God. Your phone line is the Holy Spirit. 

If you make that phone call to God, he dispatches an angel. Now take note; one angel alone, had the strength to remove the stone covering the tomb of Christ. One angel alone, slew in one evening 185000 Assyrians. Now that's a perfect companion if you ask me. 

Few pics underneath taken in 2021 during Daniel fasting for my nephew (26 days, only liquid food such as light herbal broth). In 2019 I did the 7 days fasting for dad (no food, only water) Fasting: Abstaining from food to strengthen a prayer. There are faiths that claim to fast but only change the time of day when they eat, and then cause a nuisance to their neighbors because unlike Christianity, they let everyone know that they are 'fasting'. In Christianity everything you do is for God, between you and God. Not between you and the world

Job 33:14-16 For God does speak—now one way, now another though no one perceives it. In a dream, in a vision of the night, when deep sleep falls on people as they slumber in their beds, he may speak in their ears and terrify them with warnings..

Prayer at home

2019 Short video during prayer, was checking if my effort was appreciated since I was so tired
1 Chronicles 16:11 Seek the Lord and his strength; seek his presence continually

Angel After Prayer

2008 ~ I've seen an angel (Split, Podstrana) after request in prayer (I was afraid), a huge white (as in light, all light) serene feature, medium long hair, 'dress', male, bare feet, that covered me with its huge wings. As soon as I realised that what I afraid was from wasn't something I could confront as it was not from this planet, I had asked specifically and directly to God to send help/an angel.

I was alone and slept in 'my room' on the ground floor, everything was locked. I woke up to the rattling of the windows, as if someone wanted to go in or check the windows to see if they were closed properly. I felt anxious. But now I heard it on every window frame, and I started to think someone was trying to get inside. The heavy materials are at the door, where is the axe, what should I take to run towards and confront...I thought.

Then I heard someone walking down the hall, so it was inside. I thought that is my father, until I suddenly heard him cough on the 1st floor, which was also locked with a key. So he didn't sleep on the ground floor. Now I was really scared because it felt evil and I knew this energy. That energy is not from here. It was not a human I could confront so I prayed to God to send me an angel to help me.

The fear was replaced by intense serenity when within a second, this (± 2 meter) white angelic figure stood in the room. It came towards me, sat on my bed and bowed, covering me with its wings. It was the last time I was afraid, now God only I "fear".

Years after my son made a picture of me in the room in the morning, before we went to the beach. Where the angel stood a blue glow was shown. No flash was used, no light was on, no light from outside.

Split is a very special city. The soil is soaked with blood of the saints. The biggest persecutions ever in history against Christians took place there.

He will cover you with his feathers,
and under his wings you will find refuge;
his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart. - Psalm 91:4

Prayer on top of mountain

Picture taken in 2016. My favorite spot 6 o'clock in the morning to pray on the top of the moutain behind the home I grew up in. Mountain top is reachable after 2 hours climbing. In 2018 I went with my son there to pray, and like in a fairy tale, the fields were covered with hundreds of butterflies around us. Since 2016 I have asked up there to harvest because this world sick as shit. I prayed for war. Since 2019 the prayer has been consistent asking for God to come and see what they do to his children.

Company while in Prayer 

2009 ~ requested company after prayer (I was 'depressed') in Wallonia. I went for this walk (see also pic underneath this text) and asked God or his angels to accompany me. Depression fell upon me hard as I was confronted with earthly things (not because I wanted it, but because I saw it was admired by those I loved); someone who had everything, many friends, money and property, overall success. And I, getting older, still had 'nothing' of these worldly pursuits. He asked me 1 question only. He said, would you trade everything the person has for what you have? I immediately said no and understood. Because these things were all worldly, and none had faith. So quickly the depression was gone and I started to enjoy the walk. As I was walking and talking I found this little church and felt the need to go inside. Inside, I felt the need to sit down but I was afraid I would break the chair so didn't. When I came home, only then I noticed that where my feelings were the strongest in that conversation, the lights are shown on the pics.  

My Fatherland...

Haven't returned since my father went to my Father. What kinda Fatherland is it without your father and stripped off the home we were suppose to share. 'They lie to you because the truth might provoke you to make choices that won't serve their interests'... Proverbs 19:26 Whoever robs their father and drives out their mother is a child who brings shame and disgrace.

(June 2019) - it's always gratitude that fills the heart when watching the birth of a new day. I found God here when I was a kid. Or He found me, I only remember I have never been alone.

My faith was long established and deeply present before I arrived with the nuns in Dalmatia as a child. Had a nice time there so very grateful for that. Everyone leaves a memory.  

I am not Catholic because I do not celebrate human customs. Constatinus did more bad than good turning christianity into a melting pot with the sun diety customs. I don't celebrate my birthday, just like none of the apostles celebrated theirs.  

The birth of Christ for me is in June, according to the calculation of the astronomers and the references in the Bible. I participate in fun in December for family, but I think the only Christian thing about Christmas as advertised is the togetherness. 
I am also not a preacher, but a do-er.  'Noah didn't stop building the ark to explain himself to every doubter and hater. He kept building and let the rain do the talking.'

They say that when you are on your knees (prayer, trusting God) you are at your strongest. But I have noticed that you are literally carried!! So you are at your strongest, but that is someone else's strength. Without God I would feel completely alone. .. I also once experienced that I was given inhuman strength for that moment (a force born from the anger at injustice, 

a lightning bolt of energy that I felt entering my foot and climbing to the top of my head, like a cartoon), I could train hard for a lifetime and still not be able to become that strong. I always accompany my prayers with wonderful scents, and I make an effort to find something tasty. You will find many verses in the Bible in which you can see how He also loves scents.  

Geen woorden maar daden

De een is bang voor de dood,
de ander is bang alleen te zijn,
de ander is bang voor ziektes.
Vertrouwen in God is er niet,
want angst overheerst.
Zwakheden worden verdedigd zoals vraatzucht.
Het doden van dieren hoort bij de natuur is zo'n argument.
Maar wat een contradictie is dat wanneer ze zich volpompen met medicatie om hun leven onnatuurlijk te verlengen, omdat het leven onnatuurlijk geleefd wordt.

Celibate Life

Nobody is as badass as Jesus is. The fiery rider, with flames of Justice blazing thru his eyes.

I am smitten with Jesus, I really am. Always was, always will be. Nobody is as badass as he is.

The Rider on the White Horse Rev 19:12 Then I saw heaven standing open, and there before me was a white horse. And its rider is called Faithful and True. With righteousness He judges and wages war. He has eyes like blazing fire, and many royal crowns on His head. He has a name written on Him that only He Himself knows. He is dressed in a robe dipped in blood, and His name is The Word of God...

The more you sacrifice your own sins and wishes, the closer you get to God. Your wallet cannot be full when others have nothing to eat. The body is a temple and the Holy Spirit needs a clean house to live in, so the stomach cannot be tainted with meat that depends on the slaughter of innocent blood (when not survival but glutton!). No dairy built up by pus, screams and tears.  

Isaiah 1:15 When you spread out your hands in prayer, I hide my eyes from you; even when you offer many prayers, I am not listening. Your hands are full of blood!

Joshua 1:9 - Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous.
Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go."

Matthew 9:36 When he saw the crowds, he had compassion on them, because they were harassed and helpless, like sheep without a shepherd. 37 Then he said to his disciples, "The harvest is plentiful but the workers are few.

My departure from this world

When my time comes and I know my time is up,
I will not go down without a last deed. 

In my last deed I would liberate tortured souls and bring down evil doers (/their tools) like Samson did. 

That's the plan. Yes you can get hit by a bus, nobody knows. But if I am to choose, I will make myself of use till my last breath.
At your service.

Put Satan out 

2024 Feb - A family member snapped at me that I'm not a Christian because I don't want to hate and gossip and because I forgive people who have wronged me. I see Satan using Peter's mouth in this: 

Matthew 16:23 Jesus turned and said to Peter, "Get behind me, Satan! You are a stumbling block to me; you do not have in mind the concerns of God, but merely human concerns."  

If that person is unable to self-reflect, he or she willfully contributes to the devil's destructive behavior. Their lips are full of envy, bitter and gall.

So remove the scoffer out of your midst.. Proverbs 22:10 Say goodbye to a troublemaker and you'll say goodbye to quarrels, strife, tension, and arguments, for a troublemaker traffics in shame. 1 Peter 2:1 Therefore, rid yourselves of all malice and all deceit, hypocrisy, envy, and slander of every kind.

You recognize the holy spirit by the peace he brings, structure. You can recognize the demonic influence in contention, gossip, envy, etc., which brings sadness, doubt, anger and uncertainty into your life.  I wish everyone good health and the best, so that they come to their senses. But in that evil guise, in which they manipulate, scheme, gossip, sow strife, disrespect God's 10 commandments, I don't need them at my table. 

Isaiah 5:20 In the last days, good will be called evil, and evil called good. Luke 23:34. Ephesians 4:32. Psalm 37:16. Psalms 37:7-8. Ecclesiastes 7:21-22.

I forgive everybody who wronged me, but I do not sit at their tables. I have no desire to get fed poison. 

Forgiveness is a sign of maturity and strength, resentment is a burden of the weak.

Romans 12:17-19 Never hold a grudge or try to get even, but plan your life around the noblest way to benefit others. Do your best to live as everybody's friend. Beloved, don't be obsessed with taking revenge, but leave that to God's righteous justice.
Walk away from conversations that involve hate and gossip - James 4:11
Walk away from unnecessary drama - Proverbs 11:9
Walk away from people who put you down - Proverbs 26:20
Walk away from the table if respect is no longer being served - Exodus 32:1

Most memorable dreams

Jesus on the Cross - 2005

It was a hard time. That night I dreamed of being hanged on the cross, I was hit in the face many times with a whip and felt the blood dripping from my face. It did not hurt, only the heart ached. In the corner of my eye I saw a man hanging. I lifted slowely my head and looked at my right side and saw Jesus hanging on his cross next to me. He looked at me, his eyes were peaceful, mild white light around him, blood on his face, head and hands, he smiled, then bended his head down and died. He died peacefully, the pain was nothing compared to the love that dominated, silent suffering - not for himself, but for them, as they did not know what they were doing. Out of love we endure all. It's obvious that Jesus knew exactly why he was dying. And his last words could have never been 'father why have you forsaken me'!

2008 ~ Compassion, Gods pink napkin

As if I was flying invisible over the world, I saw various sceneries. At some point I was flying amidst clouds, then the forests, then next to some creek where shaolins in orange clothing as monks jumped out all at the same time out of the water as if they all caught something in the air, separately. Then all of a sudden, I was in the universe among stars and watched how an old friendly bold headed man, in monk robe like Lao Tzu picked up the oceans and green from the globe, mother earth and pulled it as if it was some blanket. He pulled it towards him smiling softly and wrapped it up, it became smaller and smaller and the blanket became a pink napkin. When he closed his hands with the napkin in it, he again opened it and the pink napkin turned into a pink butterfly and flew away. It was compassion.

1999 ~ Dream of seven years

It was November 1999 and I dreamed that I was in my old parents house in my old bedroom. No one beside me was there, all lights I had turned off as there were seven tall men in the garden and walking around the house. I was slightly afraid and looked carefully behind the curtain of my window. Then I decided to confront my fear, was impatient to wait any longer in the dark. I went downstairs and opened the back door. While I opened the door I was stabbed in the hand seven times. I drew my hand back and saw seven wounds, seven cuts, bleeding. Then a hand from the man outside who waited behind that door stepped forwards and laid his hand on mine. He caressed the hand with his and I saw the seven wounds healing and disappearing. I wanted to see the face of this man, this shadow in garment who had healed my hand - but then I woke up.

2005 ~ Dream of the bloody bride

In the dream I was looking at a bride running from her chasers, men who wanted to kill her. At first she ran beside a pool, then she was running up and down hills, running to the highest mountain. Then she stopped. As if I was standing next to her while before I was looking at it as from above, she looked at me. Then she turned around, and I saw that her whole beautiful white gown from the back was all red. She was stabbed in the back several times and the blood had made the whole back red. The men then approached, and she looked at me for a second, then spread her arms, face towards the men, she let herself fall off the mountain into the ocean beneath, she jumped towards her own death. When her body hit the water, the whole ocean turned all red.

Dream when I was a child ~ dreaming of a rainbow waterfall in the clouds

This dream occurred when I was a small child. I dreamed that I was on a day out with the school, all children were there. We were walking among hills and I enjoyed nature while the other kids were playing around and talking. At some point I isolated myself from the others by climbing on a big hill while my eyes captured the most beautiful thing I have ever seen in my dreams - it was magical. In the air there was a huge cloud, heart shaped. In the middle of the heart water fell down and the water had the colors of the rainbow. I felt as I had been looking at it for ages when I woke up, the whole dream I had been gazing at this magnificent sight. It was so beautiful I never forgot about it.

2008 ~ Struck and followed by lightening

It was dark outside, a tremendous power in the air, a powerful strong lightening that I never have seen before. The lightening, as if all the power in the universe where combined in it, struck me and I tried to get away from it but it followed me. I tried to run to a really big tree in the hope it would struck the tree but there was no escape, no matter where I tried to run to. It was as if I was some magnetism and it was drawn to me. Looking behind, I saw that everywhere I had walked, the magnetic lightening helixes were following me just like when oil is fueled and the fire walks its path. When I looked behind me at some point again, I saw that everywhere I had walked, was burning, a sea of flames was chasing me and the sea of flames had a face, as if it was lead. It was not a scary dream, it was a powerful dream and I felt as if it was a competition of forces.

2004 ~ Stepping out of a dream

I was at my mothers house. When I came in, the door opened itself, lights turned on, music started to play, as if the universe followed my steps and invited me, embraced me. Suddenly I was attacked by my sister (no, we have no arguments) and she tried to strangle me by choking me. But it was not her, it was as if she was possessed. I felt a huge strong force, and then I laughed. I looked with the corner of my eye and saw the front door open, but no one was there in the darkness. But I felt a presence. I laughed and said, I am stronger than you. I said, watch me. I opened my eyes, still laughing and said while being awake, having pulled myself from that dream: you see, I am stronger than you.

2023 - shooting a hunter between the eyes

In the dream I was walking outside with others in a field. Innocent people. Innocent animals were released, and someone started blasting them to shreds. People didn't look surprised as if it was normal for them. I saw the animals explode, blood over their white fur. I asked the humans and the hunter why, and they showed no empathy. Then, without emotion but decisiveness, I sank to my knees, aimed my rifle at the hunter's head, and placed an aimed shot between the eyes. The hunter was instantly dead. And while in the dream I acted out of rationality in calmness and the muscles functioned out of muscle memory, so opposite was the immediate awakening from the dream. My heartbeat was racing and didn't calm down for the first ten minutes.

I believe in the power of dreams, in the symbolism, not the literalness of it. The internet gave the following explanation which I can agree with: "This dream is not about any actual violence. Instead, it is a literal illustration of the figurative expression, "shot between the eyes." The metaphor refers to hitting something directly on the mark, or making exactly the point you wanted to make in an argument. It can refer to just about any achievement where you did something exactly right, often in competition with an opponent. So this dream refers to something that you achieved or that you hope to achieve, probably in competition."

Two days later another ('violent') dream...

Four men whispered, then ridiculed, then intimidated, then threatened me. When they were around me I asked, ok, are we going to Pencak? (are we going to fight silat style?) And then I beat them up. And I woke up satisfied
... days later..
Well, I keep beating people up in my dreams. Not innocent people of course. I feel good. I also had nightmares, in one of them I woke up bathing in sweat and suddenly the tv turned on as well in the living room. Doesn't matter, I will win. In this life and the next. Fuck you Satan.

2023 - old love

I dreamed about someone I loved. He sat naked (he was always very comfortable with it) at the water's edge. I only saw his reflection in the water (pond, lake or something), of him and his motorcycle. As I read the handwritten note he sent me. In it he wrote that he regrets his immaturity at the time. 

Foretell dream in 2006

Think it was 2006, could be 2005 too. Someone was lost out of my sight. I needed to know what was going on - thus asked the Lord to explain to me what was going on. I dreamed that night a naked peacock. I was walking on the hills and found feathers of a peacock all around me. Then I looked for the peacock and saw him naked standing on a distance. He was shy and his head was bowed - he was ashamed. I started to pick up the feathers and when I collected them all, I walked towards the peacock and placed them all in front on him, not looking at him directly but in the corner of my eye, I saw that he was grateful. When I woke up, I knew. It was pride. I had hurt the pride of this person. It was such a big force in this person that those feathers really mattered. The wise though knows - it's not only feathers that make fine birds.


I would always have nightmares about sharks. They would eat everybody around me and then swin towards me, before I woke up. One night I decided to confront my fear and let the shark come towards me. He did not eat me, he swam beside me, I held on to his fin and we swam together. That was the last nightmare I had about sharks.

2005 ~ Dream of angel Gabriel

I asked God to speak to Gabriel. In my dream, Gabriel came and we spoke, well, he spoke I listened for many hours. It was a long night and he did not gave me the answers I wanted to hear. After waking up, I ran to the bathroom as I wanted to throw up. He announced a loss. What is interesting is that before I felt asleep, deep into this dream, I was awoken by a flash of light in the room. No car passed by or so. Then I fell asleep, and then this conversation that felt as if it took ages took place.

1994 ~ Visit from a dead friend

He committed suicide. I did not know his mental state of mind, he had hidden it from me and we were young. He was always helpful and cheerful, I loved him very much as a friend. He was Italian, but did not believe in God. When I visited his grave alone, I layed roses at his grave, a big bouquet with symbolic meanings - friendship, love, peace and a card with angels on it - even though he did not believe. I cried for days. Where will he end up I asked myself. That night I cried myself to sleep. In the dream, he came to me out of a white, soft light and we were surrounded by this - white peaceful light. He came to me, took me in his arms and hugged me. I felt my tear rolling down his cheek as we hugged so firmly. He said, it's good here while smiling. Then I woke up, with a feeling of peace.

2022 a recurring dream, once in so many years

It takes place deep in the sea. But the starting point is always the same. I'm standing at a crossroads, half in the water. On the right I see Turkey on the left Malta. I avoid Turkey every time and start the journey under water (walking on the ocean floor, not swimming!) along Malta. Very strange. And there is always someone with me who protects me, guides me and loves me in the dream but I have never seen who it is. A patron. In real life I find the depth of the sea frightening.

2007 ~ A church in Croatia

There are always 4 places where I return in dreams. The first is the mountains, then the woods, then the parental home (my mothers house), and last one a church. In a former dream I wanted to grab a snack, so I went in my dream deliberately to this place where I knew I was before and could eat. It was the church, it has become a known place for me in my dreams. Can you imagine falling asleep, dreaming about being hungry and returning to a place of where you know you had been sitting before/dreamed before and going inside sitting on the same table just to eat. In one dream I was once again in the church. It was dark and I went inside passing a big statue. It is the church in Split (Croatia-Dalmatia)and the statue is Gregory of Nin.
Another recurring dream is one on which I swing on a single rope. The rope is in heaven, and in the dream I don't look up or think about the fact that it's weird to have a rope as a vessel. With it I cross the ocean, visit relatives and escape enemies. By a single jump high in the air holding on the rope and then coming down miles away walking on walls


In 2005 I had a dream where i was standing on a mountain. The next day I found out that this place is called the Machu Picchu in Peru. I was standing there at that mountain and the clouds surrounding me contained little lights, in soft colors. Yellow, green, blue, pink, white, orange, they danced in these clouds around - and above me. When I stepped towards a cloud in front of me and wanted to touch it, the lights clinked all together in that cloud and I reached out to touch it but they would not let me touch them as if they were only playing. Like children, sweet playful and just kind. I wrote a poem about it calling them the children of the rainbow and was seeking an image to publish next to it. Instead I found another poem from a native warrior. After 1 year thinking about him I sent him (turned out to be an Aztlan warrior) a letter introducing myself as the dream and his poem didn't leave my mind.

1998 ~ Dreaming of Hell cause of a Sin

I was a young girl when I had this dream, if I recall. I was like most young women into my looks, went every week to the solar to get a tan and so on. There was an action in a store in which you could buy gold very cheap. I bought jewelry every week and every week I was spending money to get jewelry repaired. I was in a gold frenzy. Until that dream. In this dream I was walking into some kind of cave, it was dark, many entrances. In the middle there was the devil, a dark long figure, hairy, thin, it grabbed me and I wanted to escape and started to push but he hold on to me tight. With one of his hairy long dark arms he held mine firmly, so I bit him in the arm in my attempt to get loose. His flesh was soft so I had bitten a piece of his arm which immediately started to rot in my mouth and turned into worms. I was disgusted by this smell and feeling in my mouth that I started to throw up, while he let loose. I was throwing up jewelry. Then I woke up and knew that I was a sinner although I convinced myself I was just liking those things. It was the last piece of gold jewelry I ever bought for myself (1998..)

God's patience with sinning people explained

22 March 2020 - I wondered why God is so patient with bad people. Then I dreamed this. A shepherd walked through the fields with his sheep. This allowed them to graze where they wanted and he watched them. Then he saw a field of hungry wolves further on. The sheep in his vicinity were safe, so he did not have to worry about them. The sheperd called the sheep that stood at a distance and had separated themselves from the rest. Some were hit because they didn't want to turn around until they were on the safe side. The wolves would tear apart the sheep alive. He loved his sheep and he did not want that fate for them, even though they were stupid and stubborn. Then there were sheep so stubborn and selfish that the shepherd had to run after them. After tripping a few times, under the scratches, tired of shouting and running, and now far from his safe flock, the shepherd let's them go, shaking his head. They were torn apart by the wolves.

2023 - Seeing my father again

In the dream all kinds of scenes took place that kept me busy in daily life. Conversations here and there and suddenly I was walking through the city and I saw my father standing there. Dad? Is it you? Or an incredible doppelgänger. Virginia! He held out his arms and walked towards me, smiling broadly. But who have we buried, I ask? You were the only one who cried for me for so long, he said, and then I was awake. I didn't want to be awake at all. Nowadays I wake up straight away from sleep. So sad, would have liked to talk to him longer. Even if only in a dream. 2024 - dreaming of dad again, sad dreams, in which I want to see him and don't realize he isn't there anymore

2024 - dreaming of wars

Ever since I was little I dreamed about wars. About wars between angels. But also that I am in a war and have to get my family across the border or something (our pets included!). I was always leading in the dreams. or the car ended up in the water and I looked to see who my father could save so I could save the others. In this dream I had, it was a war again. And the composition of the family was again the same as when I was little. Only in this dream I was an adult, helping everyone up and down a mountain in top condition, including my father. 
(My father once saved someone's life in real life. And that person would later say about him that she is glad he is dead. That's how humanity is. Ungrateful, self-centered.)


Materialisation (1997 and 2005 of money): I've had money to the last cent deposited (the exact ammount needed, like a 326,74!) on my bank account which I asked for (not for myself) twice. Two witnesses by the by (both times), my ex and my lawyer. Both times the money was meant for someone else, not a cent was kept. I paid with my rent money and all, the things I bought. The exact same ammount spent was deposited on my account a week later. It was deposited by very large companies, the transactions could not be found in their system

Unidentified flying object

If your brain sees one and you decide it's not an airplane, a drone, a bird or whatever, than it's simply an object that has not been identified. I have seen unidentified objects a few times in my life.

1) Once when I was a young teenager looking at the stars on the garden swing alone. Two passed flew over my head without any noise and disappeared in sight, vanished.
2) Saw one (at age 30) in the middle of the (Rotterdam) city hovering above a very busy traffic intersection in the morning looking at the Van Ghent Barracks. I was surprised nobody else noticed. I did not want to take my camera because I was afraid it would be gone quickly so instead I kept watching it. Fascinating.
3) In 2019. I was in bed, it's 2-3 in the night. I just went to bed and it is next to the window so I can watch the moon and stars. I saw a UFO flying and then dissapeared into a cloud. It gave me a very uncomfortable feeling so I immediately turned off the light. Then I noticed my room was the only one that had a light on, all those houses, flats, not a single light anywhere. So I was the only one awake. To my horror. I wondered if I was noticed. Then suddenly my bedroom window made a big sound as if a huge pressure was applied to the 4 corners of the window, it was the sound of a blast, I thought the window would break.
4) Also in 2019. I was sitting first row in the airplane on my way home from Split to Rotterdam after visiting my father, who was ill. The weather was bad, rain, thunder, the lightening was kissing the airplane. Seat belts had to be on the entire flight and the flight attendents seemed to be worried. When I saw the lightening playing with the clouds I asked myself if I was ready to die. I decided quickly I was, my son is grown up and has a girl, all I care about have a partner by their side and my father in good hands. Only my cat would need care but my mum or son would surely take care of my child as if it was theirs. So yes, I was ready. Then I looked out of the window and saw big lights, like gigantic headlights in formation, standing still. I have no idea why I dismissed it, but my brain actually decided 'oh, those must be from the airport' and took a nap.

2014 - I've seen 3 doors in the clouds. Feeding the birds you are used to them flying above your head. I looked up and then my eye caught these 3 huge doors in the sky and I'm not talking about door shaped clouds. The fact that the doors were closed are symbolical for sure.   

Memorable Strangers

Angel Encounter - I think it was 2005. Me and a non-Christian friend were collecting signatures for a cause. We stood in front of the library. At some point an old man came out of the the library and I asked if he could sign the paper. He wanted to, but soon saw the signature would be useless without an address; he turned out to be homeless. He came from Greece and his mandolin was stolen in the homeless shelter. All he had left was the jacket in his hands. He did not want to eat. He declined to take money (I offered half I had, which was 5€, could not offer all as I had a kid at home, same reason why I could not offer to stay in my house), he only accepted a bit of water. He started to talk about the evolution of people, the rise of the cities, the demonic nature of human experimentation on animals and so on. My friend joined in the conversation and got swept away as I was, as if a vision was shown before our eyes. The Greek's face seemed to change, his grey hairs seem to turn silver. There was something extraordinary about him. A moment of distraction, someone wanted to place their signature. He walked away so I called after him, is there anything I can do for you? He smiled, held his hands in the air and said "God is Great". When I came home, I prayed for him and opened the bible, and there was written "God is Great". Does anybody know how often this exact words are written like that in the bible? Like maybe once?? Even my non-Christian friend is convinced to this very day that this was no random man but an angel in disguise.

Heb 13:2 Do not forget to show hospitality to strangers, for by so doing some people have shown hospitality to angels without knowing it.

Had 2 encounters with real Tibetan monks (weird in the middle of the city so far from their home but they were visiting), one in 2005 and one in 2016. The only humans I ever met that saw everything and connected instantly without speaking. In 2006 I was in grief and walked into the library. A dark man immediately stood up from his chair, took my hand and gave me a book. He said, this is for you. It was Kalil Gibran's Mirrors of the Soul. I felt instant relief. Wish I had looked at the mans face, a stranger.

Stories I Cannot Share

1994 - foretell dream that saved my life, you'd not understand
1998 - the car accident, you'd not understand

Relationship With God

I sinned once deliberately. He warned me beforehand. And I was angry at God once. As reaction He showered me with love. Like a parent holds his baby and keeps kissing it because it's so cute and even though the baby doesn't want to haha

God is a righteous judge.

March 2020 - My son baffled me that weekend. He gave me some facts about a subject and as it turned out, he thought I had done something questionable. Well not questionable but simply dead wrong. I said no son, I did not and if you had done such, we would have a problem. If you doubt, always ask me. If I was wrong, correct me. If I would do something which is not righteous, I would lose the hotline with dad. Then I started to think.. I too.. have a doubt. And did not ask dad straight up. So I did.. see dad.. I was looking into cattle and what bothers me is that Lot offered his two virgin daughters. >Yes, LOT DID. I didn't, Lot did. What did I say to Abraham when he asked me about sparing the life of the righteous people in Sodom? You said if there are 40, I will not destroy it. > If there are 30, I will not destroy it. If there are 10, I will not destroy it.

Hallucinations during MDMA

did some microdosing in the past as it would keep me up relaxed all night crafting (I don't use anything anymore and non, je ne regrette rien) you start to think like Boes Boes or... suddenly see the northern lights and keep looking (certainly not against the use of manna, example 1, example 2)

2021 - rage control

A dream after praying for help to control my growing rage against utter injustice. The lack of compassion is disturbing, the manner people continue their ways after being warned thru the pandemic. The sorrow, the sadness, the pain, the horrible horrific injustice and deceit that is taking place... So I went to bed praying for help because I do not want to chase away the last few people around me. In the dream suddenly a cat showed up, a little kitten that comforted me and that in the dream turned out to be Michaela's sister. Eventhough I felt calmer, my rage was still brewing. Then some force restrained me. I resisted, then I let go. Some presence held me in its arms and I felt the rage flowing away. I could feel it being beside me when I woke up. Slept like a baby.

2023 Protecting mum from a lion

In my dream I was standing next to my mother, and a huge lion came running towards us in slow motion, its mane swishing back and forth. Its head is impressively large, with large tusks. When the lion was only about 4 meters away from us, I blocked my own fear and pushed my mother behind me, confronting the lion with a threatening posture, shaking my hair loose and making eye contact with the beast. The moment of fear was taken over by the emotion anger and dominance, 'my Father is God, He shall protect me and I shall slay you like Samson if you continue'.

Job 33:15-18 "In a dream, for instance, a vision at night, when men and women are deep in sleep, fast asleep in their beds— God opens their ears and impresses them with warnings To turn them back from something bad they're planning, from some reckless choice, And keep them from an early grave, from the river of no return.

Some of my poetry

The Ancient Call
(I think this was was written in 2006 or so)

Prone to extremes am I
Satisfied with only the best
The best healer, the best combatant, the best poet
The best of the best with no place for the rest.
I am a lover, but it's not love that bonds me
I am a fighter, I strive for devotion and loyalty
For the sword must be molded in fire and thunder
in trials and tribulations, a pure and ultimate force
I call upon the four elements and stand before the four winds
a natural intoxication of knowledge and energy unified
I like Gods legion to be amused as well when the kingdoms fall
When we wash our feet in the blood of the wicked
I want them to attack in fury, merciless and full of wit
before the ancient winds will whisper in their ears
"Come back holding your shield or being carried upon it!"

Black Consumption

Satan was thrown out of Heaven because of his pride
Many are jailed because they were blinded by pride
Justifiable pride comes not out of love for thyself but for others
Like a mothers pride when her child learns well
So there are two different sources where pride comes out off
Be aware of which one you have
- the wrong one consumes you,
And will throw you out of Heaven too

(written in 2003 or so)

Aimlessly wondering - bathing in disgrace
Sold their souls to pleasure, no dignity remained.
The flock, the sheep, awaiting to get devoured
the helpless ignorant mass
- living their final hours,
Their weights crushed by responsibility ignored
For in last days of judgment - they all shall taste the sword.


Gelukkig zijn
betekent ook niet na te denken
over de dingen die nooit meer zullen komen die je gelukkig maakten

- zoals zij die niet meer zijn
Fijn dat er genoeg plaatsen zijn, gezien het assortiment aan gelovigen. Ik toef graag daar waar er compassie is voor mens en dier, en niet selectief aaien en de ander de mes in de keel steken. Liefde is niet mijn drijfveer. Dat is Rechtvaardigheid. 

Het vijfde gebod

Het huwelijk van je enige zoon niet meegemaakt
Het huwelijk van je oudste dochter niet gezien
Het kindje van je jongste nooit ontmoet
en de enige die je alles wilde geven maar niet kon, is een minimalist.
Op mijn huwelijk had je wel mogen komen,
maar ik had er geen.
Zelfs de olijfboom die je zo graag had,
is omgehakt.

Finis erit, prima Fuit

The devoted love of Penelope awaiting Oddyseus
Samsons love for Delilah
Real love knows no limits, no boundries,
Its unconditional. Its Divine.
It waits and gives. Hopes.
Remains in faith against all odds.
When one loves with a pure love that succeeds petty emotions, the love looses its impatience,
selfishness and expectations.

Nameless poem, written in 2019:

like a lioness in a cage
the wall so tall
a little bite
a little blood
a little lick
a little bit to satisfy the thirst
alas one drop will release the beast
it's a pigeon anyway

Oderint dum metuant

I didn't came to live, I came to die
I don't come to *fuck, I come to cut
What I desire has no ego
and it burns inside of me like an inferno
the longing for justice, for truth, for freedom
I came for liberation
not for ** enslavement, not for chains
You cannot put fire in a box
just because you like to watch the flames and warm your hands.
The fire is independent, don't come too close it will burn.
It will burn down the illusions you have. - May 2022.

*the only pursuit of selfish pervs
**Yes, emotional enslavement is just one of the many forms making people run around senselessly like rodents in a running wheel.
Even poor Joan of Arc was harrassed by selfish pervs when she was imprisoned, and because she wanted to fight them off in pants and not in a skirt, this made her even more hated by the elite and lead to her death. They send you kisses on Whatsapp pretending it's normal for friends and walk around half naked as if you get tempted by a bitch ass.

The perfect handshake

Not weak, not aggressive,
but perfect.
Strong and firm
A mischievous smile
A voice like velvet
Keep it shut love.
Do not let the whining
formed in your belly
turn you into a negative nelly 

Red Rose (sent to a soldier in 2010)

Oh ye brave men, scattered around the globe
How I crave for this delight
The moment in which we all walk together
To enter the final fight.
I can hear all their hearts beating,
as loud as thunder.
Thus, courageous soldier
Let not alone my letters follow you,
wherever thoust might be,
For see the warmth of the sun as my extended arms,
when the sunbeam shines upon thee.
For as God shaped man in His likeness,
The blood debt shall be repaid
Tyranny, corruption, deceit and confusion
Cutting with a sharp blade the veil of disillusion
The ancient war - the time is now
The endless line drawn in the sand
Blood for Blood - by the righteous hand.

Damocles and Pandora meet Deus ex Machina

I have a curse that needs to be lifted
A therapist will blame it on childhood
A psychic will talk about bad karma and what I did wrong in a past life
A priest will tell me to pray and repent my sins
A drunk will tell me to raise a glass until I forget about it
Therefore chose your friends carefuly.
narrow minds, will give narrow opinions
Hateful minds, will give hateful speeches
None will lift you up, but drag you down in their sorrow
Now I say, this was just a moment of weakness,
for yes there is a curse
but just like with every great gift comes a lot of responsibility so I stick by Aristophanes's side..
just wait for the plot twist

Liefde is

In mijn ogen toon je liefde,
zoals die voor je ouders,
door ze niet te belasten maar ontlasten.
Liefde is boven alles opoffering,
en dat betekent dat je soms heel diep stil moet zijn,
daar waar voor spreken zilver geldt en zwijgen goud.
Zwijgen voor hen van wie je houdt.
Wie lijdt, laat hem lijden in stilte.
Pijn is tussen jou en God.
Niet tussen jou en de wereld,
de wereld verscheurt je, in duizenden stukken.
Dus pak je schild op en laat je tanden zien.

~ Wat is liefde. Ik heb iemand van wie ik hield weggedreven zodat hij een gezin kon stichten omdat ik geen kind meer wilde (tenzij adoptie, en je gunt zeker iemand van wie je houdt zijn eigen bloed. Plus, ik wilde het uitsluiten weer alleenstaande ouder te worden omdat het best zwaar is en die kans is er altijd). Ik weet 100% zeker dat hij zijn kind het mooiste vindt wat hem in zijn leven is overkomen. Dus ik heb goed gedaan. Liefde is opoffering. Liefde is de ander het beste gunnen, en dus een stap terug te doen als je ziet dat jij dat niet bent.