🌱Leef rechtvaardig. Kies plantaardig🌱 

Wil je ook vegan gaan? Is supermakkelijk. Je kiest ipv koeienmelk, haver, amandel, kokosmelk e.d. Vegan shampoo, tandpasta, wasmiddel etc (dus niet getest op dieren) haal je gewoon goedkoop bij de Hema. Mooie vegan nagellak al voor 1,49€ bij de Wibra. Je gebed begeleiden met een kaars: dan kies je vegan kaarsen, zend geen dierenleed naar boven. 

Love is the best part. 

1 Corinthians 13:13 - So these three things continue forever: faith, hope, and love. And the greatest of these is love.
How can you fear death when there are so many loved ones waiting in anticipation to see you on the other side.. Eyes that long to see you, a heartbeat that waits for you. 

Jesus said I know your deeds, that you are neither cold nor hot. I wish you were either one or the other! So, because you are lukewarm - neither hot nor cold - I am about to spit you out of my mouth.

1 Thessalonians 5:22 Abstain from every form of evil.

Protect the weak!

Above all, these are the children and the animals.
The old latin text on my neck does not say I run away.It says Come and taste my sword. which the knights said when they went into battle (against injustice) 

Always Busy

I like to keep myself busy and useful so often I sign up as a volunteer, like for the Salvation Army, the animal ambulance and I would start as a volunteer at the Kindertelefoon in September 2022 - which was canceled because they had to close locations.


Your own choice

Matt 13:9 (or Mark 4:23) Whoever has ears, let them hear.

I never have and never will try to convince anyone to follow Christ. I'm not here to hold your hand, you must make your own choice. (ps some like the pharaoh had God blinded on purpose, so how do you make someone see whose eyes are closed by God himself. Nope, not gonna try)

1 Corinthians 16:14 Let all that you do be done in love.

I have said for years now that males till age 39.5 can join the Foreign Legion, even to suitors I do so not trying to emasculate a man; I do so because every male has the opportunity to become a professional warrior. There you need no prior experience if you have none, and it can reactivate those who once did something like a prior few years army before. You get a paycheck, a redefined skillset and valuable contacts for life. I want our sons to be strong and to secure the safety of our grandchildren.

My aim is for you to be safe and fully capable of defending the weak.

Be the voice for the voiceless...

in my 30s 


in my 40s (right 44 (2022), left age 43 - Not being able to train in the 3rd quarter due to premenopause symptoms. with medication under control so kickboxing subscription reactivated again, cancelled silat. possibly karate again

Visiting a scammer - being nice works.

After 2 weeks of emailing back and forth it was clear to me that I had been scammed (June 2022).

I then checked the data of the company and saw the name of 1 person. Registered with multiple companies, multiple web sites, and all with pages long Google reviews with angry customers who had been scammed. No one had seen any money back or product. I emailed that I was poor and the product for my grandpa in hopes to get my money back out of compassion. He responded using different female names in the email, denying, lying. I announced my visit in the email, cancelled once as it was hot and I went to the beach instead, but nevertheless the scammer was surprised when I stood in front of him. Went to 2 addresses I found in 2 different cities, the first was empty and his neighbours said he had left, the latter in a sort of bunker on the 24th floor. Two girls helped me get in the building. My foot went into the door at the open crack once opened. 'I emailed you, I am here for my money'. He gave my money back instantly. Twice. If he also would have sent the goods I would surely have left a good review.  'The seller needs some motivation but once he gets going he keeps his word'


Ever tried the whip cracking trick - cutting a cig from the mouth? I did. And when I wanted to sell the whip, I was bombarded by pervs

Be like Shep. Take no Crap. 

(June 2019) - it's always gratitude that fills the heart when watching the birth of a new day.
I found God here when I was a kid. Or He found me, I only remember I have never been alone. 

Prayer at home

2019 Short video during prayer, was checking if my effort was appreciated since I was so tired
 1 Chronicles 16:11 Seek the Lord and his strength; seek his presence continually

Angel After Prayer

2008 ~ I've seen an angel (Split, Podstrana) after request in prayer (I was afraid), a huge white (as in light, all light) serene feature, medium long hair, 'dress', male, bare feet, that covered me with its huge wings. As soon as I realised that what I afraid was from wasn't something I could confront as it was not from this planet, I had asked specifically and directly to God to send help/an angel. 

I was alone and slept in 'my room' on the ground floor, everything was locked. I woke up to the rattling of the windows, as if someone wanted to go in or check the windows to see if they were closed properly. I felt anxious. But now I heard it on every window frame, and I started to think someone was trying to get inside. The heavy materials are at the door, where is the axe, what should I take to run towards and confront...I thought.

Then I heard someone walking down the hall, so it was inside. I thought that is my father, until I suddenly heard him cough on the 1st floor, which was also locked with a key. So he didn't sleep on the ground floor. Now I was really scared because it felt evil and I knew this energy. That energy is not from here. It was not a human I could confront so I prayed to God to send me an angel to help me.

The fear was replaced by intense serenity when within a second, this (± 2 meter) white angelic figure stood in the room. It came towards me, sat on my bed and bowed, covering me with its wings. It was the last time I was afraid, now God only I "fear". 

Years after my son made a picture of me in the room in the morning, before we went to the beach. Where the angel stood a blue glow was shown. No flash was used, no light was on, no light from outside.

Split is a very special city. The soil is soaked with blood of the saints. The biggest persecutions ever in history against Christians took place there.

He will cover you with his feathers,
and under his wings you will find refuge;
his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart. - Psalm 91:4

Prayer on top of mountain

Picture taken in 2016. My favorite spot 6 o'clock in the morning to pray on the top of the moutain behind the home I grew up in. Mountain top is reachable after 2 hours climbing. In 2018 I went with my son there to pray, and like in a fairy tale, the fields were covered with hundreds of butterflies around us. Since 2016 I have asked up there to harvest because this world sick as shit. I prayed for war. Since 2019 the prayer has been consistent asking for God to come and see what they do to his children. 

Company while in Prayer 

2009 ~ requested company after prayer (I was 'depressed') in Wallonia. I went for this walk (see also pic underneath this text) and asked God or his angels to accompany me. Depression fell upon me hard as I was confronted with earthly things (not because I wanted it, but because I saw it was admired by those I loved); someone who had everything, many friends, money and property, overall success. And I, getting older, still had 'nothing' of these worldly pursuits. He asked me 1 question only. He said, would you trade everything the person has for what you have? I immediately said no and understood. Because these things were all worldly, and none had faith. So quickly the depression was gone and I started to enjoy the walk. As I was walking and talking I found this little church and felt the need to go inside. Inside, I felt the need to sit down but I was afraid I would break the chair so didn't. When I came home, only then I noticed that where my feelings were the strongest in that conversation, the lights are shown on the pics. 

(when you visit a 2000 year old well only to find a hippie fest built around it. Chalice is for new age escapists what Medugorje is for roman catholics and Disneyland for children. - at Chalice Well Glastonbury in 2019)

Welcome to my world

Angels are sent to watch over us Psalm 91:11, 2 Chronicles 16:9, Proverbs 15:3, Heb 12:1 

Nothing is as it seems. The most hideous looking bum (homeless, not showered for ages) I ever seen (2001) was also the most humble man I had ever seen with a big faith. A priest (like svecenik Tom from Austria 2019) seemingly friendly was a lusty perv in disguise full of lies. The bum was ignored by all people and the priest is popular, you see this constantly. That is why the most favorite costume of angels is that of a bum. 

a family member has seen the blue light itself as a large orb with her own eyes, and a loved one asked me if I was aware that there are non-stop flashes of light shooting through the house

Had asked one of my colleagues from when I worked pt at a medieval themed restaurant in 2014 to share her sandwich. 

If people can't even acknowledge that creatures like animals they can see are living beings - you can even communicate with ants, size does not matter - then why would they communicate with living beings their eyes cannot see. 

Mourning the loss of my little child and father, died one month after each other, both in struggle. 2021

19-02-2021 It's just the two of us now

few pics underneath taken in 2021 during Daniel fasting for my nephew (26 days). In 2019 I did the 7 days fasting for dad (no food, no drinks)

My top 5 fav books

Sun Tzu Art of War (see also page 103 of book Strategic Weapons of our Warfare by Elsie Clark), BoF Rings Miyamoto Musashi, Wen Tzu Lao Tzu, Bible and Hagakure. Tsunetomo says don't be a bitch, you live you live, you die you die. Bible says don't be a coward, have no fear. So says Musashi. Every day is good. Be vigilant always. And be aware. Apathy is just as much a sin (in your ear whispering demon) as cowardice sloth greed defeatism etc. 

The greatest among you shall be your servant, said Jesus. 

And just like Jesus or a Musashi, you accept death.
Two are stronger than one, but do not forget that the devil attacks when you are alone.
And you know what, you will not be betrayed by an outsider but by someone standing next to you.  

Meekness is not weakness 

Fact: if you actively stand up for good you will be attacked regularly physically, spiritually and mentally. If you serve the Lord, you become a target of Satan's envy (you will recognize them by their fruits). Satan will put you into endless and severe testing. Satan's attacks will never cease because you are shaking the foundations of hell.  

2 Cor 12:10 Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in necessities, in persecutions, in distresses for Christ's sake: for when I am weak, then am I strong. 

Mockery  - Luke 23:11
Poverty and tribulation -Revelation 2:9
Slander, Lies  - Matthew 12:36 
Imprisonment - Mark 6:17, Daniel 6:1-28
Torture - Isaiah 50:6, Acts 14:19
Death - Genesis 4:8
Threats - Acts 4:21, 4:29
Exile - Revelations 1:9
Persecution - 2 Timothy 3:12

Amazing experience with my son at Skydive Rotterdam "The Flying Dutchmen" - June 2021

My shimmering dream

Thankfully I won't need to go to the USA to chase a tornado the way things are looking.
Nahum 1:3 The Lord is slow to anger and great in power, and the Lord will by no means clear the guilty. His way is in whirlwind and storm, and the clouds are the dust of his feet. 

Butterflies of Hope 

Did you know that insects have the best vision in the entire animal world? and of the insects the butterflies have the best vision?

September 2013 (4th floor in Delft)- butterfly flied in when I lost hope. Week later another butterfly at work, open window on 3d floor in the city. Since then many butterflies came along. Posing for pictures.


Celibate Life 

Nobody is as badass as Jesus is. The fiery rider, with flames of Justice blazing thru his eyes.

I am smitten with Jesus, I really am. Always was, always will be. Nobody is as badass as he is.

The Rider on the White Horse Rev 19:12 Then I saw heaven standing open, and there before me was a white horse. And its rider is called Faithful and True. With righteousness He judges and wages war. He has eyes like blazing fire, and many royal crowns on His head. He has a name written on Him that only He Himself knows. He is dressed in a robe dipped in blood, and His name is The Word of God...

The more you sacrifice your own sins and wishes, the closer you get to God. Your wallet cannot be full when others have nothing to eat. The body is a temple and the Holy Spirit needs a clean house to live in, so the stomach cannot be tainted with meat that depends on the slaughter of innocent blood (when not survival but glutton!). No dairy built up by pus, screams and tears. 

Celibate for years. Time to seal the deal.. > immersion baptism took place 15 November 2022. 

Matthew 9:36-37 

WWJD? Let me tell you what Jesus would do. Each time I went to HR I sat down at the table where it mattered the most. Where would Jesus want to sit down if he was there briefly, in a house where there is always joy and company and food, or there where there is nobody and barely any food.

My father 12.03.2021

ik hou van je pap. 09-03 opgenomen naar de hemelen

My father did not use washing powder for the last decades as he said it polluted the sea. And when I told him Shakespeare (one of his fav writer, as well as mine) wrote McBeth when he experienced a pandemic (locked in his apartment in London for months), he wanted to read it. His eyes however were no good anymore, so he asked me to send audio which I did. And dad knew who Ivan Roso was. I miss my dad. I had often sent ipods with music, and in the nursing home he suddenly started talking to me in spanish (or french); but he was listening to Guevara's speech (to the UN) that I also put on it (before I knew  Guevara was pro-bullfighting). He took us for walks in the woods every weekend, cooked delicious food, always took us to the latest movies and burgers afterward. The kitchen drawer was always full of sweets. He was sick, but not crazy. My first ten years were so impressive that I always remembered him as strong. I did not see that the rock itself needed a rock. 

I still struggle with the fact that I was not there for my father when he needed me the most. I thought during corona he was in excellent hands and made a lot of plans for the year after to visit him, things for us to do together. At least his brother was by his side and he is with his father now.
What I did not understand is the extreme cold I experienced the evening, a hour after hearing the news my father departed. So cold that I chattered my teeth so hard this resulted in a root canal treatment (done when I came back). The computer (websites, all payment systems) suddenly malfunctioned for hours, the washing machine broke down and the kitchen was half submerged. But when I came back after the funeral and I sent them off for repair everything worked fine, as if nothing happened.
However: on 28 Dec 2021> after hours of crying and deep sadness all the devices started acting weird again. So I now think that it had to do with your own negative energy that influenced the space around you 

22.4.21 elke stap in huis is een stap naar diepe bedroevenis. elke stap is loodzwaar doch het licht wijkt geen seconde van mijn zijde. ik mis mijn meisje. het huis is vervuld met kaarsjes en gebeden

If you pay attention you see our guardian with us  (left video)

02-05-2021 With my curtain closed I forgot it normaly was always open, and Mika would be on the right, and the dove outside on the left, only seperated by glass. Always looking at me when waking up. They make such a sweet sound.

3-05-21 new friend. used the soft vest Mika took her last breath on as pillow for a long time

Golden Gift

June 2022 - Shortly back from deployment, my son makes a drawing to explain something. His words sound like music to my ears and his drawing worth more than a Van Gogh. Fear is lack of faith. Accept everything just the way it is - Miyamoto Musashi.

Gift from God

1997 Birth of my son. When I was young I knew I would give birth to a boy with blond hair and blue eyes. Hence in his birthcard I had added the text 'predestined, so he came'. Long before it was official the baby would be a boy, I had enlisted him at a daycare center (you had to reserve a place beforehand) with his full name. I cried when I heard I was pregnant, from the hospital to the way home, and fell on my knees at home thanking God for this wonderful gift.

He has 3 first names, one of them means bear, another one means lion (French pronouncing) (+ of course one traditional Christian name). I read the bible to him every evening (and fairy tales), took him to the librairy every wednesday for 2 hours where we read books before taking him to martial arts class. Nothing more satisfying than a son applying for the army whose namesake lead a skillfull army of God and he - without me telling him ever - knows who Simo Häyhä is.

In this house I had a swing on the front door that immediately made jr popular in our new neighborhood. I also placed a large second-hand sofa in the room where children could simply jump on.  

chatting with son while him being deployed. I have no worries. Yes, Beketje hehe

his hairdo after Firestarter (Prodigy), he won a prize with this pic in a mag

2021 - Birdhouse for Fathersday. My (step)dad is a very good man. Always helps out, always caring. Two right hands. Gentle soul. His kindness is taken advantage off sometimes by others. The only reason why those people get away with it and are not tasing my fists is due to his kindness. I respect my father. I have 3 of them. The one by blood went to heaven, with the heavenly father.

Don Poekie - Friendship Almost 20 years

In Loving Memory of my Son, best Friend, Family member and Angel ~my better half 1996 - 2015

Died 13 November 2015, burried 16 November along with a piece of my soul. Don Poek was given a short time to live. I prayed intensly, and in the evening in which I intensified my prayer a light showed up that has not left D.P. for 8 months. Until the day that it was his time to go. He went to get his wings and seek us the best bed to sleep in so we can watch birds together when I join him.

The picture above was taken right after the prayer on 5 April 2015 at 10:48 am. The angel watched over him day and night and left with him on 13 nov 2015.

After another Prayer, Michaela joined the household, she practically knocked on the door the next day.

the angel arrived was visible day and night and did not leave his side  

We were like a married couple, slept next to each other. Night after night, year after year.

When a cat dies he wants to hide. Don Poek initially wanted too, but I kissed him crying and he came to me and we laid on the bed. He comforted me in his last hours in pain, until it was time. That is love.

He would sit on my pregnant belly and slide off as it was so big. From the little family created in 1996 he was the only one left living with me.

Michaela was loved, not just by me. I think God lent her to me. There was daily close and loving contact, not only between us, but also between her and the angel/spirit/God?

Michaela - Gift from God

Michaela joined the family Friday 13 March 2015. We met a week before, she was calling me while I was refilling the bird feeders on the balcony. She continued to call every day so after it was clear she had no 'owner' I invited her in. I gave her the name Michaela, feminine of Michael meaning gift from God. Because she came a day after a specific prayer.

This was the first time in my life I was angry at God, she being so sweet and the female version on Don Poek. I felt he wanted to give me her so I would forgive him for taking D.P., I mean, he can do everything so he could prolong D.P.'s life too if he wanted. Someone tossed Mika out like garbage, I found her toys and things a few doors away. But she was meant to be with us so all good. The devil will take care of the dumpers.

The first thing she did when she came into my house was walking straight to the bedroom, jumped on the bed and fell asleep on it. Don Poek also on the bed had big eyes, like what the fuck is this, hahaha.

She is the first cat ever that always responds when I ask something. It has nothing to do with the tone of voice or eye contact. I can't explain. Maybe we are morphed into one, we see and hear and respond on same things at the same time.

Mika has a lot of Friends who like to play with her

the song that always played in my head when Mika entered the room 

Exodus 14:24 During the last watch of the night the Lord looked down from the pillar of fire and cloud ... Exodus 19:16 On the morning of the third day there was thunder and lightning, with a thick cloud over the mountain.. Exodus 19:9 The Lord said to Moses, "I am going to come to you in a dense cloud

The magical view from my bedroom window 

7 december 2020 - we are all awake till late

Listening to the rain

Mika and Noa Piccolo the snail
Noa died in July 2020. 

Don Poek had his own Facebook account. Now Mika's account

Michaela's death 5.2.2021

My sweet child, my mini mummy, my lifeline, my Gift from God left this realm on 05.02.2021. Every single day in all those years together she woke me up by licking my face and hair. Sleeping next to me every single night, running towards the bed the cutey. She was so loveable and caring and intelligent. Her death struggle was so hard and sudden and rough. 

here we spent so many happy hours together, looking out of the window, at the rain, the birds.

May God strike me with blindness if I did not see what I should have been able to see. I wish to see not if I don't see at all.

She was always by my side, we crafted, we chilled, if I worked out my legs she would sit on my stomach. She was my girl. She was the one who wanted me to stop smoking, who wanted me to act like a lady, who disliked the knife throwing and was a pure pacifist. She kept an eye on me by looking at me via the mirror. Who was unbelievably intelligent as she understood all I said (her own name directly, to which direction to walk etc), was grateful for each gift I brought her and if there was one word I could describe her, it was TRUST. It showed on a lot of ways, like me taking her to the vet without a cage, because she trusted me. I would say, you can let yourselves fall, I have you. And she would let herself fall in my arms. She was as beautiful as a snowflake and I told her this many times.

I caressed her in those bloody last moments and prayed My Father as this always calmed her down. It did so even in that terrible moment, she was so helpless. I prayed for none other than to ease her pain. I sought no angel (via God) to prolong her life as I did with Poek, I did not want more suffering. Nor do I want another companion, there is a cruel world out there with children suffering each day that never had a single moment of love because ego has given man the illusion that one animal deserves love and comfort and the other torture and death. They as we do share the same breath, and what will be done to them, will be done to us. Her name was trust, my name is loyalty. I was beyond happy with her and all the moments spent together were done in full awareness of being happy and grateful. I love you forever Mika.

Mika's suffering

17.02 Prayer. Mika's death was truly horrible, so helpless as she was and this has been nagging me. She was a gift, why did you allow her struggle. Why does my faith not make a difference, where were you to take away her pain. 

I prayed thinking of Mika remembering how calm it always made her, even in those moments of struggle and opened the book, after which I made the picture where you can see the white light shown. There is written (exactly these few sentences) that Jesus himself suffered tremendously and he was Gods son. That even Judas did not know that all was in Gods plan. That satan too did not know. What do you know is asked. I said Mika was and is TRUST. Trust in the Lords ways. And yes, I continued, my name will always remain to be LOYALTY. I will never bow down for monstrosities. There is only ONE. Acts 4:12

The darker it gets the more light I see. In the end days more and more people even the elected ones will say look there is no God, how can God be so cruel, and they will curse the humans God created. This pleases satan. 

After I buried her, I asked my mother's cat to watch over her grave. And this sweet cat, who avoids crowds, did something she never did before and never did again. She did something Michaela always did with me, she stretched out her paw to touch my face.

The very first moment we met

Noa Piccolo the Snail

- New Years Eve 2016 on the picture above, for me, Mika en Noa had her own fruit filled pineapple - 
After Mika's arrival I wanted to give her a friend to play with. So Noa Piccolo the snail came in the picture. Snails are extremely social animals like little dogs, who love to bathe. In Loving Memory 06/2016 - 07/2020. Here is Noa taking a bath

My grandkids

My hometown

Growing up as child

A few favorite memories of mine:

* the first time I saw the structure of a snowflake was in Austria
* I caught a seahorse when we were swimming in deep water (Croatia)
* every single morning very early, dolphins jumped out of the sea.
* I would put blackberries on thin sticks or whatever I found in the mountains and mum would make jam from it
* seeking pine cones and putting them in a bag - in the winter deep in the mountains while water was coming from the mountain, so fairy-tale like. Dad was chopping wood
* seeking gnomes in a forest in Austria my parents and grandmum had hidden
* selling figs on the beach as a kid
* age 7, becoming Tito's pioneer. Yeah it was commie Yugoslavia, but I don't remember the commie side. I remember loyalty towards the country and God.
* the many arguments with the nuns cause I had no patience
* Hair als golden as the sun, eyes as blue as the sea, feet as fast as mine, always ending up at the same time on the finish line. The first boy I ever fell in love with. Milan from a place named Kamen. I think I was about 6.

2019. 

"My Father's house has many rooms; if that were not so, would I have told you that I am going there to prepare a place for you?"

A wonderful sign in the mountains asking people to leave only their footprints behind

I have a thing for shoes. Said almost every woman....

15  - 20  - 25 degrees color nude shoes
I effin hate 40 degrees. Flipflops are not my thing.

You realize you have a shoe thing when you are looking thru pictures and notice you have a lot of shoe pics...

could not resist making this picture. I noticed the sign while I was waiting for someone in front of that closed shop

Most memorable dreams

Jesus on the Cross - 2005

It was a hard time. That night I dreamed of being hanged on the cross, I was hit in the face many times with a whip and felt the blood dripping from my face. It did not hurt, only the heart ached. In the corner of my eye I saw a man hanging. I lifted slowely my head and looked at my right side and saw Jesus hanging on his cross next to me. He looked at me, his eyes were peaceful, mild white light around him, blood on his face, head and hands, he smiled, then bended his head down and died. He died peacefully, the pain was nothing compared to the love that dominated, silent suffering - not for himself, but for them, as they did not know what they were doing. Out of love we endure all. It's obvious that Jesus knew exactly why he was dying. And his last words could have never been 'father why have you forsaken me'!

2008 ~ Compassion, Gods pink napkin

As if I was flying invisible over the world, I saw various sceneries. At some point I was flying amidst clouds, then the forests, then next to some creek where shaolins in orange clothing as monks jumped out all at the same time out of the water as if they all caught something in the air, separately. Then all of a sudden, I was in the universe among stars and watched how an old friendly bold headed man, in monk robe like Lao Tzu picked up the oceans and green from the globe, mother earth and pulled it as if it was some blanket. He pulled it towards him smiling softly and wrapped it up, it became smaller and smaller and the blanket became a pink napkin. When he closed his hands with the napkin in it, he again opened it and the pink napkin turned into a pink butterfly and flew away. It was compassion.

1999 ~ Dream of seven years

It was November 1999 and I dreamed that I was in my old parents house in my old bedroom. No one beside me was there, all lights I had turned off as there were seven tall men in the garden and walking around the house. I was slightly afraid and looked carefully behind the curtain of my window. Then I decided to confront my fear, was impatient to wait any longer in the dark. I went downstairs and opened the back door. While I opened the door I was stabbed in the hand seven times. I drew my hand back and saw seven wounds, seven cuts, bleeding. Then a hand from the man outside who waited behind that door stepped forwards and laid his hand on mine. He caressed the hand with his and I saw the seven wounds healing and disappearing. I wanted to see the face of this man, this shadow in garment who had healed my hand - but then I woke up.

2005 ~ Dream of the bloody bride

In the dream I was looking at a bride running from her chasers, men who wanted to kill her. At first she ran beside a pool, then she was running up and down hills, running to the highest mountain. Then she stopped. As if I was standing next to her while before I was looking at it as from above, she looked at me. Then she turned around, and I saw that her whole beautiful white gown from the back was all red. She was stabbed in the back several times and the blood had made the whole back red. The men then approached, and she looked at me for a second, then spread her arms, face towards the men, she let herself fall off the mountain into the ocean beneath, she jumped towards her own death. When her body hit the water, the whole ocean turned all red.

Dream when I was a child ~ dreaming of a rainbow waterfall in the clouds

This dream occurred when I was a small child. I dreamed that I was on a day out with the school, all children were there. We were walking among hills and I enjoyed nature while the other kids were playing around and talking. At some point I isolated myself from the others by climbing on a big hill while my eyes captured the most beautiful thing I have ever seen in my dreams - it was magical. In the air there was a huge cloud, heart shaped. In the middle of the heart water fell down and the water had the colors of the rainbow. I felt as I had been looking at it for ages when I woke up, the whole dream I had been gazing at this magnificent sight. It was so beautiful I never forgot about it.

2008 ~ Struck and followed by lightening

It was dark outside, a tremendous power in the air, a powerful strong lightening that I never have seen before. The lightening, as if all the power in the universe where combined in it, struck me and I tried to get away from it but it followed me. I tried to run to a really big tree in the hope it would struck the tree but there was no escape, no matter where I tried to run to. It was as if I was some magnetism and it was drawn to me. Looking behind, I saw that everywhere I had walked, the magnetic lightening helixes were following me just like when oil is fueled and the fire walks its path. When I looked behind me at some point again, I saw that everywhere I had walked, was burning, a sea of flames was chasing me and the sea of flames had a face, as if it was lead. It was not a scary dream, it was a powerful dream and I felt as if it was a competition of forces.

2007 ~ A church in Croatia

There are always 4 places where I return in dreams. The first is the mountains, then the woods, then the parental home (my mothers house), and last one a church. In a former dream I wanted to grab a snack, so I went in my dream deliberately to this place where I knew I was before and could eat. It was the church, it has become a known place for me in my dreams. Can you imagine falling asleep, dreaming about being hungry and returning to a place of where you know you had been sitting before/dreamed before and going inside sitting on the same table just to eat. In one dream I was once again in the church. It was dark and I went inside passing a big statue. It is the church in Split (Croatia-Dalmatia)and the statue is Gregory of Nin.
Another recurring dream is one on which I swing on a single rope. The rope is in heaven, and in the dream I don't look up or think about the fact that it's weird to have a rope as a vessel. With it I cross the ocean, visit relatives and escape enemies. By a single jump high in the air holding on the rope and then coming down miles away walking on walls

2021 - rage control

A dream after praying for help to control my growing rage against utter injustice. The lack of compassion is disturbing, the manner people continue their ways after being warned thru the pandemic. The sorrow, the sadness, the pain, the horrible horrific injustice and deceit that is taking place... So I went to bed praying for help because I do not want to chase away the last few people around me. In the dream suddenly a cat showed up, a little kitten that comforted me and that in the dream turned out to be Michaela's sister. Eventhough I felt calmer, my rage was still brewing. Then some force restrained me. I resisted, then I let go. Some presence held me in its arms and I felt the rage flowing away. I could feel it being beside me when I woke up. Slept like a baby.

Foretell dream in 2006

Think it was 2006, could be 2005 too. Someone was lost out of my sight. I needed to know what was going on - thus asked the Lord to explain to me what was going on. I dreamed that night a naked peacock. I was walking on the hills and found feathers of a peacock all around me. Then I looked for the peacock and saw him naked standing on a distance. He was shy and his head was bowed - he was ashamed. I started to pick up the feathers and when I collected them all, I walked towards the peacock and placed them all in front on him, not looking at him directly but in the corner of my eye, I saw that he was grateful. When I woke up, I knew. It was pride. I had hurt the pride of this person. It was such a big force in this person that those feathers really mattered. The wise though knows - it's not only feathers that make fine birds.

Sharks

I would always have nightmares about sharks. They would eat everybody around me and then swin towards me, before I woke up. One night I decided to confront my fear and let the shark come towards me. He did not eat me, he swam beside me, I held on to his fin and we swam together. That was the last nightmare I had about sharks.

2005 ~ Dream of angel Gabriel

I asked God to speak to Gabriel. In my dream, Gabriel came and we spoke, well, he spoke I listened for many hours. It was a long night and he did not gave me the answers I wanted to hear. After waking up, I ran to the bathroom as I wanted to throw up. He announced a loss. What is interesting is that before I felt asleep, deep into this dream, I was awoken by a flash of light in the room. No car passed by or so. Then I fell asleep, and then this conversation that felt as if it took ages took place.

1994 ~ Visit from a dead friend

He committed suicide. I did not know his mental state of mind, he had hidden it from me and we were young. He was always helpful and cheerful, I loved him very much as a friend. He was Italian, but did not believe in God. When I visited his grave alone, I layed roses at his grave, a big bouquet with symbolic meanings - friendship, love, peace and a card with angels on it - even though he did not believe. I cried for days. Where will he end up I asked myself. That night I cried myself to sleep. In the dream, he came to me out of a white, soft light and we were surrounded by this - white peaceful light. He came to me, took me in his arms and hugged me. I felt my tear rolling down his cheek as we hugged so firmly. He said, it's good here while smiling. Then I woke up, with a feeling of peace.

2022 a recurring dream, once in so many years

It takes place deep in the sea. But the starting point is always the same. I'm standing at a crossroads, half in the water. On the right I see Turkey on the left Malta. I avoid Turkey every time and start the journey under water (walking on the ocean floor, not swimming!) along Malta. Very strange. And there is always someone with me who protects me, guides me and loves me in the dream but I have never seen who it is. A patron. In real life I find the depth of the sea frightening.

Aztlan

In 2005 I had a dream where i was standing on a mountain. The next day I found out that this place is called the Machu Picchu in Peru. I was standing there at that mountain and the clouds surrounding me contained little lights, in soft colors. Yellow, green, blue, pink, white, orange, they danced in these clouds around - and above me. When I stepped towards a cloud in front of me and wanted to touch it, the lights clinked all together in that cloud and I reached out to touch it but they would not let me touch them as if they were only playing. Like children, sweet playful and just kind. I wrote a poem about it calling them the children of the rainbow and was seeking an image to publish next to it. Instead I found another poem from a native warrior. After 1 year thinking about him I sent him (turned out to be an Aztlan warrior) a letter introducing myself as the dream and his poem didn't leave my mind.

1998 ~ Dreaming of Hell cause of a Sin

I was a young girl when I had this dream, if I recall. I was like most young women into my looks, went every week to the solar to get a tan and so on. There was an action in a store in which you could buy gold very cheap. I bought jewelry every week and every week I was spending money to get jewelry repaired. I was in a gold frenzy. Until that dream. In this dream I was walking into some kind of cave, it was dark, many entrances. In the middle there was the devil, a dark long figure, hairy, thin, it grabbed me and I wanted to escape and started to push but he hold on to me tight. With one of his hairy long dark arms he held mine firmly, so I bit him in the arm in my attempt to get loose. His flesh was soft so I had bitten a piece of his arm which immediately started to rot in my mouth and turned into worms. I was disgusted by this smell and feeling in my mouth that I started to throw up, while he let loose. I was throwing up jewelry. Then I woke up and knew that I was a sinner although I convinced myself I was just liking those things. It was the last piece of gold jewelry I ever bought for myself (1998..)

God's patience with sinning people explained

22 March 2020 - I wondered why God is so patient with bad people. Then I dreamed this. A shepherd walked through the fields with his sheep. This allowed them to graze where they wanted and he watched them. Then he saw a field of hungry wolves further on. The sheep in his vicinity were safe, so he did not have to worry about them. The sheperd called the sheep that stood at a distance and had separated themselves from the rest. Some were hit because they didn't want to turn around until they were on the safe side. The wolves would tear apart the sheep alive. He loved his sheep and he did not want that fate for them, even though they were stupid and stubborn. Then there were sheep so stubborn and selfish that the shepherd had to run after them. After tripping a few times, under the scratches, tired of shouting and running, and now far from his safe flock, the shepherd let's them go, shaking his head. They were torn apart by the wolves.

2004 ~ Stepping out of a dream

I was at my mothers house. When I came in, the door opened itself, lights turned on, music started to play, as if the universe followed my steps and invited me, embraced me. Suddenly I was attacked by my sister (no, we have no arguments) and she tried to strangle me by choking me. But it was not her, it was as if she was possessed. I felt a huge strong force, and then I laughed. I looked with the corner of my eye and saw the front door open, but no one was there in the darkness. But I felt a presence. I laughed and said, I am stronger than you. I said, watch me. I opened my eyes, still laughing and said while being awake, having pulled myself from that dream: you see, I am stronger than you. 

Materialisation

Materialisation (1997 and 2005 of money): I've had money to the last cent deposited (the exact ammount needed, like a 326,74!) on my bank account which I asked for (not for myself) twice. Two witnesses by the by (both times), my ex and my lawyer. Both times the money was meant for someone else, not a cent was kept. I paid with my rent money and all, the things I bought. The exact same ammount spent was deposited on my account a week later. It was deposited by very large companies, the transactions could not be found in their system

Unidentified flying object

If your brain sees one and you decide it's not an airplane, a drone, a bird or whatever, than it's simply an object that has not been identified. I have seen unidentified objects a few times in my life.

1) Once when I was a young teenager looking at the stars on the garden swing alone. Two passed flew over my head without any noise and disappeared in sight, vanished.
2) Saw one (at age 30) in the middle of the (Rotterdam) city hovering above a very busy traffic intersection in the morning looking at the Van Ghent Barracks. I was surprised nobody else noticed. I did not want to take my camera because I was afraid it would be gone quickly so instead I kept watching it. Fascinating.
3) In 2019. I was in bed, it's 2-3 in the night. I just went to bed and it is next to the window so I can watch the moon and stars. I saw a UFO flying and then dissapeared into a cloud. It gave me a very uncomfortable feeling so I immediately turned off the light. Then I noticed my room was the only one that had a light on, all those houses, flats, not a single light anywhere. So I was the only one awake. To my horror. I wondered if I was noticed. Then suddenly my bedroom window made a big sound as if a huge pressure was applied to the 4 corners of the window, it was the sound of a blast, I thought the window would break.
4) Also in 2019. I was sitting first row in the airplane on my way home from Split to Rotterdam after visiting my father, who was ill. The weather was bad, rain, thunder, the lightening was kissing the airplane. Seat belts had to be on the entire flight and the flight attendents seemed to be worried. When I saw the lightening playing with the clouds I asked myself if I was ready to die. I decided quickly I was, my son is grown up and has a girl, all I care about have a partner by their side and my father in good hands. Only my cat would need care but my mum or son would surely take care of my child as if it was theirs. So yes, I was ready. Then I looked out of the window and saw big lights, like gigantic headlights in formation, standing still. I have no idea why I dismissed it, but my brain actually decided 'oh, those must be from the airport' and took a nap.

Memorable Strangers

Angel Encounter - I think it was 2005. Me and a non-Christian friend were collecting signatures for a cause. We stood in front of the library. At some point an old man came out of the the library and I asked if he could sign the paper. He wanted to, but soon saw the signature would be useless without an address; he turned out to be homeless. He came from Greece and his mandolin was stolen in the homeless shelter. All he had left was the jacket in his hands. He did not want to eat. He declined to take money (I offered half I had, which was 5€, could not offer all as I had a kid at home, same reason why I could not offer to stay in my house), he only accepted a bit of water. He started to talk about the evolution of people, the rise of the cities, the demonic nature of human experimentation on animals and so on. My friend joined in the conversation and got swept away as I was, as if a vision was shown before our eyes. The Greek's face seemed to change, his grey hairs seem to turn silver. There was something extraordinary about him. A moment of distraction, someone wanted to place their signature. He walked away so I called after him, is there anything I can do for you? He smiled, held his hands in the air and said "God is Great". When I came home, I prayed for him and opened the bible, and there was written "God is Great". Does anybody know how often this exact words are written like that in the bible? Like maybe once?? Even my non-Christian friend is convinced to this very day that this was no random man but an angel in disguise.

Heb 13:2 Do not forget to show hospitality to strangers, for by so doing some people have shown hospitality to angels without knowing it.

Had 2 encounters with real Tibetan monks (weird in the middle of the city so far from their home but they were visiting), one in  2005 and one in 2016. The only humans I ever met that saw everything and connected instantly without speaking. In 2006 I was in grief and walked into the library. A dark man immediately stood up from his chair, took my hand and gave me a book. He said, this is for you. It was Kalil Gibran's Mirrors of the Soul. I felt instant relief. Wish I had looked at the mans face, a stranger.

Stories I Cannot Share

1994 - foretell dream that saved my life, you'd not understand
1998 - the car accident, you'd not understand

Relationship With God

I sinned once deliberately. He warned me beforehand. And I was angry at God once. As reaction He showered me with love. Like a parent holds his baby and keeps kissing it because it's so cute and even though the baby doesn't want to haha

God is a righteous judge.

March 2020 - My son baffled me that weekend. He gave me some facts about a subject and as it turned out, he thought I had done something questionable. Well not questionable but simply dead wrong. I said no son, I did not and if you had done such, we would have a problem. If you doubt, always ask me. If I was wrong, correct me. If I would do something which is not righteous, I would lose the hotline with dad. Then I started to think.. I too.. have a doubt. And did not ask dad straight up. So I did.. see dad.. I was looking into cattle and what bothers me is that Lot offered his two virgin daughters. >Yes, LOT DID. I didn't, Lot did. What did I say to Abraham when he asked me about sparing the life of the righteous people in Sodom? You said if there are 40, I will not destroy it. > If there are 30, I will not destroy it. If there are 10, I will not destroy it. 

Hallucinations during MDMA

did some microdosing in the past as it would keep me up relaxed all night crafting (I don't use anything anymore and non, je ne regrette rien) you start to think like Boes Boes or... suddenly see the northern lights and keep looking 

Some of my poetry

The Ancient Call
(I think this was was written in 2006 or so)

Prone to extremes am I
Satisfied with only the best
The best healer, the best combatant, the best poet
The best of the best with no place for the rest.
I am a lover, but it's not love that bonds me
I am a fighter, I strive for devotion and loyalty
For the sword must be molded in fire and thunder
in trials and tribulations, a pure and ultimate force
I call upon the four elements and stand before the four winds
a natural intoxication of knowledge and energy unified
I like Gods legion to be amused as well when the kingdoms fall
When we wash our feet in the blood of the wicked
I want them to attack in fury, merciless and full of wit
before the ancient winds will whisper in their ears
"Come back holding your shield or being carried upon it!"

Black Consumption

Satan was thrown out of Heaven because of his pride
Many are jailed because they were blinded by pride
Justifiable pride comes not out of love for thyself but for others
Like a mothers pride when her child learns well
So there are two different sources where pride comes out off
Be aware of which one you have
- the wrong one consumes you,
And will throw you out of Heaven too

Lullaby
(written in 2003 or so)

Aimlessly wondering - bathing in disgrace
Sold their souls to pleasure, no dignity remained.
The flock, the sheep, awaiting to get devoured
the helpless ignorant mass - living their final hours,
Their weights crushed by responsibility ignored
For in last days of judgment - they all shall taste the sword.

Finis erit, prima Fuit

The devoted love of Penelope awaiting Oddyseus
Samsons love for Delilah
Real love knows no limits, no boundries,
Its unconditional. Its Divine.
It waits and gives. Hopes.
Remains in faith against all odds.
When one loves with a pure love that succeeds petty emotions, the love looses its impatience,
selfishness and expectations.

Nameless poem, written in 2019:

like a lioness in a cage
self-imposed,
the wall so tall
a little bite
a little blood
a little lick
a little bit to satisfy the thirst
alas one drop will release the beast
it's a pigeon anyway

Red Rose (sent to a soldier in 2010)

Oh ye brave men, scattered around the globe
How I crave for this delight
The moment in which we all walk together
To enter the final fight.
I can hear all their hearts beating,
as loud as thunder.
Thus, courageous soldier
Let not alone my letters follow you,
wherever thoust might be,
For see the warmth of the sun as my extended arms,
when the sunbeam shines upon thee.
For as God shaped man in His likeness,
The blood debt shall be repaid
Tyranny, corruption, deceit and confusion
Cutting with a sharp blade the veil of disillusion
The ancient war - the time is now
The endless line drawn in the sand
Blood for Blood - by the righteous hand.


Oderint dum metuant

I didn't came to live, I came to die
I don't come to *fuck, I come to cut
What I desire has no ego
and it burns inside of me like an inferno
the longing for justice, for truth, for freedom
I came for liberation
not for ** enslavement, not for chains
You cannot put fire in a box
just because you like to watch the flames and warm your hands.
The fire is independent, don't come too close it will burn.
It will burn down the illusions you have. - May 2022.

*the only pursuit of selfish pervs
**Yes, emotional enslavement is just one of the many forms making people run around senselessly like rodents in a running wheel.
Even poor Joan of Arc was harrassed by selfish pervs when she was imprisoned, and because she wanted to fight them off in pants and not in a skirt, this made her even more hated by the elite and lead to her death. They send you kisses on Whatsapp pretending it's normal for friends and walk around half naked as if you get tempted by a bitch ass.

Damocles and Pandora meet Deus ex Machina

I have a curse that needs to be lifted
A therapist will blame it on childhood
A psychic will talk about bad karma and what I did wrong in a past life
A priest will tell me to pray and repent my sins
A drunk will tell me to raise a glass until I forget about it
Therefore chose your friends carefuly.
narrow minds, will give narrow opinions
Hateful minds, will give hateful speeches
None will lift you up, but drag you down in their sorrow
Now I say, this was just a moment of weakness,
for yes there is a curse
but just like with every great gift comes a lot of responsibility so I stick by Aristophanes's side..
just wait for the plot twist